"I used to joke about psychologists too." Do men seek help, and where can they find it?

“I’m Not Weak”

“I look at the guys who joke about psychologists and think that I used to be like that too. I didn’t want anyone ‘digging around in my brain’”, says 51-year-old Kyiv resident and veteran of the Russian-Ukrainian war, Andrei Shershikov.

The man hails from Donetsk. When the war began, he took up arms in defense of Ukraine. He served from 2014 until March 2017. After the full-scale war started, despite already having a disability group, he rejoined the military. He is currently discharged from service due to health issues and works at the “Kyiv Military Hub.”

Andrei’s first experience with psychologists was not successful. He recalls how, in a hospital in 2015, he and other soldiers were given questionnaires to fill out. At that point, he says, the psychological work ended. This led to a rejection of psychologists in general because he thought: “Oh great, they’ll come with their questionnaires again, and what next?”

“My path to a psychologist was long. I realized that my family ties and the social environment I was in were crumbling. All normal people want to live well, but what was happening to me didn’t allow that.”Andrei Shershikov, veteran of the Russian-Ukrainian war

After his first discharge, the veteran would be “overwhelmed” each time he recalled certain events, especially those related to losses. To cope with this, he “would just run to the store for a shot.” But at some point, he felt that “that shot was starting to interfere with living normally.”

“I came to this realization on my own, really on my own. I saw that my wife was suffering... I don’t remember exactly when I started seeing psychologists. But the key point is that it was my internal decision,” Andrei explained.

The veteran has been in psychotherapy for eight years now. Initially, he worked with specialists for extended periods, but now he seeks help on specific issues as they arise. Over this time, he has switched specialists multiple times to find someone he feels comfortable working with. He is no longer ashamed to talk about it, but at that time he didn’t share with any of his brothers-in-arms about his sessions with psychologists because he was “not weak.”

Men's Fears of War

In Ukraine, there is a hotline for psychological support for men - 2345. Specialists have gathered data on the requests they receive. It turned out that the most common reason for calls (53.15%) is issues of a psycho-emotional nature. This includes anxiety disorders, depressive states, inability to control anger, mood disorders, and more.

“People find it difficult to cope with the feelings they have inside,” comments military psychologist Viktoria Vintonak. She says that sometimes men need professional support to help them figure out what to do in a specific crisis situation.

“The war doesn’t end; it continues. It is very important to finally accept this situation and adapt to it. To establish guidelines for oneself on how to live in this new world. Because things will definitely not be the same as they were before. Often, when there is resistance, like ‘I don’t want to’ or ‘I can’t handle it,’ that can actually trigger certain disorders.”Viktoria Vintonak, military psychologist

The second most common issue is problems in relationships with partners (26.21%). Men reach out due to feelings of loneliness, conflicts, divorce, infidelity, lack of understanding, and obstacles in communicating with children.

Viktoria Vintonak is surprised that she now receives more requests for couples consultations than for individual work, as was the case before. The initiators of such consultations are mostly women, but they don’t have to persuade men, as they readily agree.

“There are indeed many divorces now because values are changing. A person returning from the front changes naturally. Now, all household work and responsibility for the children fall on the partners of those who are at the front. That is also a huge burden. There is also the fear for the loved one. And then this person returns and finds that they have changed: everyday issues are no longer important, the main thing is the struggle,” explains the psychologist.

Separately noted in the statistics are employment issues (17.35%). Men called the hotline due to self-realization problems and job loss.

The next category is addictions (11.85%). Interestingly, men almost never call saying, “I have an addiction. Help me cope with it.” They more often reach out with a different request, and during the conversation, the specialist understands where the root of the problem lies.

Viktoria Vintonak explains: men are ashamed to admit their alcohol, drug, or other addictions. The absence of a social culture and the understanding that addiction is an illness, and that a person cannot overcome it alone, are also barriers.

“In other countries, society recognizes that such people need qualified help, but here we still have a tendency of, ‘If you wanted to, you would have quit.’ In some aspects, this might work if the person genuinely wants to. But without motivation, we cannot achieve that, and therapy will not be effective. Sometimes a person needs to be illuminated to realize that they might need certain help.”Viktoria Vintonak, military psychologist

The final category of requests pertains to issues related to military actions. This includes loss of life orientation, material values, places of residence, and fear of mobilization.

Among military men, as Viktoria Vintonak clarifies, the percentage of inquiries regarding service-related issues is significantly higher. When a person spends a long time in the army and does not see their family, that undoubtedly causes problems in relationships and affects all other areas of life.

“As for civilian men who have approached me, they are concerned about how to prepare psychologically if, for example, a draft notice arrives tomorrow. They also worry about an internal sense of guilt for not fighting. They try to compensate for this, for example, through donations or helping the Armed Forces in other ways. Because men who do not feel this and live normally do not reach out,” notes Vintonak.

“What Should I Do?”

Psychologists tailor their approach to each individual based on their requests and the flow of dialogue. Recently, during one of the forums, the psychologists from the support line 2345 shared their own cases, showing how they work with men and what assistance they provide.

Psychologist Svitlana Zheleznyak recalls how a man aged 32-35 wrote in an online chat for the support line. He exhibited symptoms of anxiety disorder, including uncontrollable aggression. He reached out because during a family quarrel, he broke a glass, which scared him, as he feared it might lead to violence. He wrote: “What should I do? When I feel this uncontrollable aggression, it makes me very anxious.”

“Our task is to stabilize him. This includes deep breathing and awareness techniques. It was a big surprise for him to learn that anger, rage, and spite are essentially reactions that can be controlled. This is how the reaction is physically expressed. If one can understand and identify what that emotion is and how to release it in an ecological way, then, in principle, one can control oneself and the external world.”Svitlana Zheleznyak, psychologist of the support line for men 2345

During the conversation with the husband, it became clear that he had serious work-related problems he had not shared with his wife. And upon her simple question, “How are things at work?” he would have outbursts of anger.

The specialist helped the man track this issue, advised him to take physical breaks, and to rest more. He was also referred to a psychotherapist for regular systematic work. According to Svitlana, this ultimately reduced the number of his conflicts at work and allowed him to find common ground with his wife.

Is It Relevant?

In July 2022, the UN Population Fund conducted a study showing that 90% of men in Ukraine had not sought professional psychological support at that time. This is against the backdrop of 68% of men (according to the same survey) being in a state of constant distress. 80% of respondents stated that men should solve their problems on their own.

The Ministry of Health notes that the key barrier preventing men from seeking help is stigmatization. There is still a stereotype in society that a man must be strong, and seeking help from a psychologist is seen as a sign of weakness. Most men were raised in such a paradigm, resulting in them becoming prisoners of this position.